I was recently kidnapped by aliens and I'm pretty sure they had a Sleeping Duck mattress. Is this possible? Do you deliver to outer space?

Um… ​​​​​​

I recently went on a date. We got on really well but now the person isn’t returning my calls. I think I’m being ghosted. What should I do? Should I run over the person with your 15 tonne roller?

Not a good idea. You’ve seen what it does to watermelons. Sounds like you need to treat yourself to something special. Something really comfortable. Something of great value but incredible quality. Something with indestruct springs…hmmm, I wonder what that could be?

If I buy a Sleeping Duck mattress today, will I win Megamillion’s Powerball next Tuesday?

Yes. (I just got off the phone with my lawyer and she says I can’t say that. Thing is, I don’t have a lawyer, so I’m not sure who I just spoke to. Might have been my mum now that I think about it. Anyway, for legal reasons I have to say no, but personally I have a reeeeallllly good feeling about you winning Powerball. Imagine how many Sleeping Ducks you could buy if you did win!? But let me just add, the chances of you winning Powerball are 1 : 292,201,338 and the chances of you having an amazing night’s sleep on a Sleeping Duck is, in my opinion, 1:1. That’s 100% guaranteed. And heck, Sleeping Duck gives you a 100 night trial anyway! It’s a win-win!)

Lawrence, this is your wife, Sarah. Can you pick up some bread on the way home?

I’m at the shops now. They’ve run out of that wholemeal sourdough you like. Should I just buy another Sleeping Duck mattress instead and run some more tests?

What? How did you make that connection? Lawrence! You’re buying another Sleeping Duck aren’t you…

Sorry honey, you’re breaking up. I can’t read your writing.

Does the mattress come in medium-rare?

I think you’re referring to firmness. I hope. You can have soft, medium, firm or extra firm. Just check out the Sleeping Duck website.

A friend of mine went to the doctor and was given six months to live. He couldn’t afford to pay the bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.